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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24413308">They Had It Coming</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladivvinatravestia/pseuds/ladivvinatravestia'>ladivvinatravestia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Censorship is the Worst Ship [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional Warnings in Author's Notes, F/M, Fanart, Filk, Implied/Referenced Mind Control, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Jealousy, Murder, no beta we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:47:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>850</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24413308</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladivvinatravestia/pseuds/ladivvinatravestia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Meet the six merry murderesses of the ... Nilfgaard Imperial Dungeons?</p><p>Or, Witcher characters give their version of the Cell Block Tango</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anna Henrietta | Anarietta/Jaskier | Dandelion, Calanthe Fiona Riannon/Roegner of Ebbing, Yennefer of Vengerberg/Beau Berrant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Censorship is the Worst Ship [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1757662</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Banned Together Bingo 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>They Had It Coming</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For Banned Together Bingo prompt "Glamorous Criminals", because what's more glamorous than the Cell Block Tango?</p><p>A note on the Major Character Death warning: if you are unfamiliar with the Cell Block Tango, each character describes a murder they committed.  In the case of this filk, some of the murder victims are characters who were already dead when canon started and some are characters who die on screen.  One of the victims is actually a major character in the series who had damn well better survive several more seasons, but just so you know, they die in this version of the song.</p><p>Link to the original song and my favorite filk of it, a Disney villains version, in the end notes.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     </p><p> </p><p>     ALL</p><p>He had it comin'<br/>He had it comin'<br/>He only had himself to blame<br/>If you'd have been there<br/>If you'd have seen it<br/>I betcha you would have done the same</p><p></p><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>     CALANTHE</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>You know how people have these little habits that get you down -<br/>Like Roegner.<br/>Roegner, he liked to leer at chambermaids -<br/>No, not leer, grope.<br/>So I come home this one day from the battlefield<br/>And I'm <em>really</em> irritated<br/>And I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy,<br/>And there's Roegner, lying on the couch, drinking a beer and leering at chambermaids.<br/>No, not leering,<br/>Groping.<br/>So I said to him, I said, "You grope <em>one</em> more chambermaid,"<br/>And he did.<br/>So I took the crossbow off the wall<br/>And I fired two warning shots<br/>In to his head.</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>     ALL</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>He had it comin'<br/>He had it comin'<br/>He only had himself to blame<br/>If you'd have been there<br/>If you'd have heard it<br/>I betcha you would have done the same</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>     YENNEFER</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>I met Beau Berrant in Rinde about two months ago<br/>And he told me he was looking for a mage<br/>And we hit it off right away.<br/>So we started living together.<br/>I'd put him under a spell, I'd host an orgy,<br/>I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner.<br/>And then he found out.<br/>"Open-minded," he told me.<br/>Open-minded, my ass.<br/>Not only was he shocked and offended,<br/>Oh no, he brought in six armed guards.<br/>One of these purity-policing moralizers, you know.<br/>So that night, when he woke up from the spell,<br/>I fixed him his drink, as usual.<br/>You know, some guys just can't hold their apple juice.</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>     ALL</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>He had it comin'<br/>He had it comin'<br/>He took a flower<br/>In its prime<br/>And then he used it<br/>And he abused it<br/>It was a murder<br/>But not a crime</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>     RENFRI</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>Now I'm out in the forest,<br/>Picking wildflowers for a bouquet,<br/>Minding my own business.<br/>In storms my stepmother's huntsman in a fanatical rage.<br/>"You're a black sun princess," he says.<br/>He was crazy.<br/>And he kept on screaming,<br/>"You're a black sun princess."<br/>And then he ran into my mother's brooch.<br/>He ran into my mother's brooch ten times.</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>     ALL</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>If you'd have been there<br/>If you'd have seen it<br/>I betcha you would have done the same!</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>     CIRI</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>
    <em>[speaking in Elder]</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>     OTHERS</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>Yeah, but did you do it?</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>     CIRI</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>Uh-uh, not guilty!</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>     SABRINA</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>My sister sorceresses and I had this castle in Sodden to defend,<br/>And we had all these civilians to protect.<br/>Now, in order to defend the castle and keep Nilfgaard from taking the North<br/>We had twenty different lines of defense -<br/>Poison puffball mushrooms, force-choking, arrows and bombs,<br/>Portals, regenerating swords,<br/>One right after the other.<br/>So this one point during the battle, we're up on the battlements,<br/>The whole line of archers, firing volleys,<br/>Picking off a few lines of Nilfgaardian soldiers,<br/>And we ran out of bombs.<br/>So I go downstairs to get some.<br/>I come back, I open the door,<br/>And there's Fringilla in my head,<br/>Telling me I don't need to fight any more; tempting me with<br/>Power and potential -<br/>Well - I was in such a state of delusion,<br/>I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing.<br/>It wasn't until later<br/>When I was washing the blood off my hands<br/>I even knew so many of my own side were dead.</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>     ALL</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p></p>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>They had it comin' (they had it comin')<br/>They had it comin' (they had it comin')<br/>They had it comin' all along<br/>I didn't do it (she didn't do it)<br/>But if I'd done it (but if she'd done it)<br/>How could you tell me that I was wrong?</p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>They had it comin' (they had it comin')<br/>They had it comin' (they had it comin')<br/>They had it comin' all along (they took a flower in its prime)<br/>I didn't do it (and then they used it)<br/>But if I'd done it<br/>How could you tell me that I was wrong?</p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>     ANARIETTA</p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>I loved Julian Pankratz<br/>More than I can possibly say.<br/>He was a real artistic guy -<br/>Sensitive, a poet.<br/>But he was always trying to find himself.<br/>He'd go out every night looking for himself,<br/>And on the way<br/>He found Essi,<br/>Priscilla,<br/>Elihal, and Valdo.<br/>I guess you could say we broke up<br/>Because of artistic differences.<br/>He saw himself as alive,<br/>And I saw him dead.</p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>     ALL</p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>They had it comin' (they had it comin')<br/>They had it comin' (they had it comin')<br/>They had it comin' all along<br/>'Cause if they used us ('cause if they used us)<br/>And they abused us (and they abused us)<br/>How could you tell us that we were wrong?</p>
    <p></p>
    <div class="ujudUb">
      <p>He had it comin' (he had it comin')<br/>He had it comin' (he had it comin')<br/>He only had himself to blame (he only had himself to blame)<br/>If you'd have been there (if you'd have been there)<br/>If you'd have seen it (if you'd have seen it)<br/>I betcha you would have done the same</p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p> </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0c2bKZMxEQg">Cell Block Tango</a>, from the musical Chicago</p><p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAUZIw95ueM">Spell Block Tango</a>, Disney Villain filk</p><p>Visit me on <a href="https://ladivvinatravestia.tumblr.com">tumblr</a>, where my ask box is always open.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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